The Rulers We Deserve

Democracy is so annoying; it’s one of the reasons I don’t have a television. My TV-less life means I haven’t had to endure a single campaign ad this entire election cycle, and I am a calmer, happier person for it. Still, out of some misplaced sense of civic duty, I always watch presidential debates. But last night may have put an end to that for good. If we’d been smart, nobody would’ve shown up for that pointlessness, not you, not me, not my dog, and certainly not the candidates, both of whom looked like they would rather have been literally anywhere else on earth. [Read more...]

Top Five Ways To Lose the GOP Nomination

#5: FORGET TO PRETEND YOU’RE NOT A BIGOT

Oh, Haley Barbour. Where do I even start with your dumb, racist ass? Such a high-rolling big fish in your stagnant pond of corrupt lobbyists and good ol’ boy operators, you actually started to believe your own hype and thought you might have a shot at the Presidency. Alas, a few months outside your native Mississippi and in the national spotlight, and you withered like a Kudzu vine in a swamp fire, officially declaring an end to your non-candidacy on Monday. Why? Because you just couldn’t keep your mouth shut about black people. [Read more...]