Top Five Ways To Lose the GOP Nomination

#5: FORGET TO PRETEND YOU’RE NOT A BIGOT

Oh, Haley Barbour. Where do I even start with your dumb, racist ass? Such a high-rolling big fish in your stagnant pond of corrupt lobbyists and good ol’ boy operators, you actually started to believe your own hype and thought you might have a shot at the Presidency. Alas, a few months outside your native Mississippi and in the national spotlight, and you withered like a Kudzu vine in a swamp fire, officially declaring an end to your non-candidacy on Monday. Why? Because you just couldn’t keep your mouth shut about black people. [Read more...]

Unimaginative Sexist Declares Feminism Sucks

What would you call a guy who is on record saying that: 1. men sexually harass women out of respect for their social equality; 2.  women are biologically programmed to desire Victorian-style housewifery over professional pursuits; 3. all straight women are basically prostitutes; and 4. feminism is not just bad, not just wrong, but actually evil. If you responded that you would call this guy “a dickhead,” you are only partially correct. The full answer is “a dickhead whose sexist drivel is repeatedly published by Psychology Today, which I’m sure has editors though you wouldn’t know it from reading this crap.” [Read more...]

Low-Hanging Fruit: Charlie Freaking Sheen

Low-Hanging Fruit is an occasional feature in which I ridicule people who have already been so thoroughly castigated that they really don’t need me piling on to make the point. But then I go ahead and pile on anyway, because I’m just trivial enough to enjoy that sort of thing.

I had sincerely hoped never to have to mention Mr. Sheen again. As far as I was concerned, the Warlock and I had achieved a sort of detente. While his crazy misogynist shenanigans continued unabated, I had already covered the only aspect of them I thought was genuinely interesting—the fact that we know so little about what motivates serial batterers that we’re generally unable to rehabilitate them. That was the extent of anything useful I had to say on the subject, so I decided to leave the balance of the commentary to the prurient chattering class, who can’t seem to get enough of his coke-headed whore-mongering ways. Me, I’d had enough. [Read more...]

Chris Brown and the Uses of Compassion

Welcome back, Chris Brown! Honestly, I thought we’d finished with you when you completed your entirely inadequate community service sentence for 1. beating Rihanna to a pulp and 2. repeatedly demonstrating that you had no real understanding of, let alone remorse for, what you’d done. Though the story’s ending was unsatisfying, I was just glad when it was over. But then you went on GMA and got asked a couple of totally softball questions about your lady-smacking ways, and you threw a tantrum, and broke a mirror, and also ripped your shirt off because sometimes, when The Man is keeping you down, the only thing left to do is show him your pecs. So much for the anger management classes, and hey, good to know you don’t limit your violent outbursts to women you’re dating. Female morning show anchors: check yourselves.
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The Ignorant Are Easily Subdued

And yes, America, I’m looking at you. When I read last week about the mass demonstrations in Britain protesting the latest wave of public spending cuts by David Cameron’s Conservative government, at first I was heartened. “Good on them!” I thought cheerfully, but my exuberance was short-lived (and probably irrational). Because, as so often happens these days, my next thought was “What the hell is wrong with this country?” Here’s a nation where the richest 1% of the population controls 70% of the wealth and families routinely go without health care, yet portions of the middle class are actively abetting our jackweed oligarchs in attacking workers’ rights as we speak. Heads have rolled over lesser economic disparities than we’re currently sporting, so what’s with all the lethargy? Where’s that can-do spirit I’ve heard so much about? What does Britain have, in the way of righteous outrage, that we just can’t seem to muster?
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